getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
