I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I need to calm my uterus...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
