Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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