If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
