i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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