I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
