I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I did not marry a roomba.
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