it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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