I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
