Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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