I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
