She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
