I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
