she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I need a burrito and a hug.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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