why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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