I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He shit in the fireplace
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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