at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
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