I wish I could teleport
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
the condom got lost in my hair
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
