I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
