there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
