You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
