Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
