My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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