I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
