I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
