next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
