i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
