Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
