My first STD was from a foam party
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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