Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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