Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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