I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
