I wish I could teleport
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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