Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
