im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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