The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
