My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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