Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
