I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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