Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
