you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
