Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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