with your own penis?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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