she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
did i just pee glitter
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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