wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Is Oprah even human
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
