you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
