broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
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