She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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