you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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