Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
