you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
