you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
